Divorce Law Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Communicating with your ex’

After a divorce, there are often stresses in a child’s life which an adult may overlook. One of the chief stresses can be the transition from your home to your ex-spouse’s home, whatever the time interval (every few days, weekends, several weeks). This is a constant disruption to a child’s life, and a persistent reminder of the family breakup. So how to best assist your children during these moves?

We can split these transitions into two broad areas: When your child is dropped off, and when your child is picked up. You and your ex should agree upon these basic guidelines to help your child adjust to the changes.

As we see played out in TV and movie dramas over and over, parents may have a difficult time in letting go at the appointed hour. But remember this is about the child, not the parents. So ease this time by adhering to the schedule, departing and delivering your child on time as agreed. Remind your child a day or two before the move so they have time to prepare and be ready for the change. Help them pack, including a favorite toy or game, outfit, or other items that are familiar and comforting. Do not wait until the last minute and rush packing, but be ready well in advance. If at all possibile, drop off your child, rather than having your spouse pick them up, so that you avoid the risk of disrupting some special moment or connection.

When your child comes back from your spouse, again, it’s better that your spouse drop the child off rather than you go to pick the child up. This way your child gets to complete their time with their other parent without interruption. Ask your child what they want to do: spend some intimate time with you doing some favorite activity like reading, cooking or playing; run out to play with friends they’ve missed; or settle into being home with the TV and pets. Give them time and space if they need it, but stay nearby and attentive. Remember that children like routine and patterns, which give them a sense of safety and wellbeing, so establish a “return routine” such as game playing, visiting the playground, or serving a favorite dinner which your child can help prepare.

Watch for signs of stress and anxiety. Some children will adjust to these changes better than others (with much depending on how the parents act and react), so if your child shows any distress or anxious behavior, consider with your ex the benefits of counseling for your child.

Consider some stress reducing guidelines, especially when children are involved:

• Help your kids manage their feelings: Encourage them to openly discuss their feelings — positive or negative — about what’s happening. Talk to your children, let them know that they are not responsible for the divorce. How much detail you go into depends in part on how old and how mature the children are, but regardless of age, they need to know that the divorce is not their fault, and that they will not be losing either parent. Discuss the ways in which custody and visitation will work.
• Keep conflict and argument aways from the kids; disrupt their lives as little as possible. Maintain a calm attitude and avoid conflict, as parental fighting is very stressful for children. Take divorce conversations outside the home or discuss these matters only when the children are not home.
• Don’t use your kids as go-betweens. They should not feel like pawns nor be manipulated by either parent. Do not use children to send messages to your spouse.
• Seek support from friends, church, or organizations like Parents Without Partners, or a therapist with experience with children of divorce, someone that the children can talk to and who can help them address any guilt they feel, however unfounded, about the divorce.

We all know how rapidly technology, especially social media, is growing in today’s society. Everyone it seems is on Facebook, and one must protect one’s identity on Facebook in the face (no pun intended) of being “tagged” in a photo one would rather disappear, have new relationships “put on parade,” or have one’s secrets put on public display in any number of ways. This extends as well to divorce, which is also going high tech today. Spouses who would never dare to tell their soon-to-be-divorced spouse about new personal relationships, travel and their new personal lives are posting such information–often in great detail, accompanied by photos and comments from innumerable “friends”–all over web and particularly on Facebook.

Don’t assume that just because you’ve blocked your spouse they won’t be able to access this information, read the comments, and see the photos. Frequently, one of the first things divorce attorneys are advising their clients to do is to examine the Facebook pages of their spouses and their “friends” in order to gather information that will be useful in divorce proceedings. And it doesn’t stop at Facebook: one must consider all social media that one’s spouse engages in, including Twitter, Tumblr, Google+, LinkedIn, and more. With so many ways to interact online today, one must be careful indeed.